Fantasy Football Guide for Women

Yeah, there is a book called Fantasy Football for Dummies, which would encompass most if the fairer sex, but if you read it you are probably a bigger nerd than I originally thought I was for being a fantasy football nerd AND writing a blog about it. So here is a quick reference guide for Chicks because I know besides blogs you only consume media through trashy celeb sites and romance novels. I don't have the artistic desire to draw white thought bubbles above people like Perez, or pen paperbacks like Danielle Steel Magnolias. So read this quickly like a guy who doesn't really give a shit about what anyone else thinks and it will help in your league that you talked your boyfriend into letting your join. Thank you in advance by the way, your money will go to the end of Women's Sufferage. You have all Sufferaged long enough. This article assumes you know what a football is, how it is played, and how to use a computer. But you know what happens when a man assumes...

The idea: Pick NFL players who are the best STATISTICAL producers at each position. using the available "starting" positions assigned to your league, get the most points and try to out score your opponent each week. Players are picked initially through DRAFT and later through Free Agency/Waivers.

There is very little "Fantasy" apart from you get to assemble a team of good players, not just the team as it exists. No endorsements. No cheerleaders. Just guys sitting around looking at their iPhones or the scrolling bottom of the screen and bitching "I should have started him!"

1. Terms. Fantasy football is written in code so dames can understand it with their under developed brains more suited for chatting and cooking (not creative chef stuff, but like pies and crap). Here are the positions you are likely to have to draft and their corresponding letter. Check your league to see how many are allowed to start for each league. Typically is its 1 QB, 2 RB, 2/3 WR, 1 TE, 1 D/ST, 1 K. Maybe a "flex position" and i dont mean downward dog. Bench spots are for other good player you draft to fill in for good matchups and Bye weeks.

Bye- The team this guy plays for has the week off. They start at week 4 and end at week 10 with 4 teams rotating every week to have only 1 bye. When you draft a Backup QB make sure he has a different Bye week than your starter. Do the same with RBs and WR as best you can.

QB= Quarterback the guy that "throws" the ball

RB= The guy that "runs" the ball

WR= Wide Receiver the guy that "catches" the ball.

TE= OMG he catches the ball too! They block more than WR so usually less catches. Simple.

Flex= Flexible Offensive Player. Usually a RB/WR and maybe a TE allowed. Just another offensive player allowed to start.

D/ST= Team Defense. Pick a team who doesn't let up a lot of points. Dont pick crappy teams. Its easy, dont make it difficult, ok?

K= Kicker. Pick one late so you don't get laughed at. Replace when needed like batteries in your vibrator.

IDP= Individual Defensive Player. Kind of advanced but let me break it down. Its an Individual Player who plays defense. Just because he is individual doesnt mean he is "single" ladies. This is business, not brunch. Look for a ranking sheet and pick an Inside Linebacker to be safe. If you know what a 4-3 defense is, they you probably stopped reading this article long ago, but these are the best inside linebacker defenses to pick from.

IR/PUP- Injured Reserve and Player Unable to Perform (chuckle). These guys are hurt. Bad. Dont draft them.

Susp= This guys is suspended because of legal issues. Pretty much stay away because you wont be able to use them right away.

ADP- Average Draft position. This is what separates a girl who just plays to Terry Griffith "Just One of the Guys" status that can walk into the locker room, snap towels, and make gang rape/bukkake jokes without repercussion. It doesnt mean how good a guy is necessarily, just how good everyone else thinks they are. This is so you dont draft a kicker or a bum too early. If you are going to take a chance, take it late.

Related terms to ADP are:

Sleeper- guy who is undervalued based on ADP and can be drafted later.

Flier- guy who no one else is drafting but you have a gut (no you dont look fat) feeling about.

Handcuff (not the furry kind you broke out on his birthday) This is an interesting concept. Lets compare it something you think you know, like dating. Example 1- Top Draft pick: If you date a really popular guy you have likely invested a lot to get him. Exercised, Sexy clothes, stalked him, shaved your cooter. If his dad moves the family to Germany, you dont want to be left alone for the prom, so you invest time in the backup qb of the HS team who is suddenly the starter to maintain your status you whore. Likewise, if you draft a really good RB You invested a big pick in the guy, so you want the offensive points even if he gets hurt. Example 2: You are dating a guy with a lot of potential (laugh) or is older and might not be around long (i.e. going to college and only wants to bang you during breaks and for the summer.) You need to hedge your bets and protect your ass from getting hurt. With injury prone RB or older guy, you should draft their backup. This way if they get injured you can plug in the other guy until they get well, of the other guy wins the starting job. This is usually your last to second to last pick.

2. Scoring. Someone will win, and someone will lose. This isn't paddy cake or playing house. Deal. More points equal a win no matter how u get there. What you want to do is get better players at each position. Just because QBs score more doesn't mean they are better, because the 10th best QB is not far off the best statistically. Whereas RBs go first in a draft because there is a lot of difference from number 1 to number 10 points wise. Also, each team starts 2 WRs and only 1 QB and 1 RB, so there are naturally twice as many possible productive receivers, thus the pool is larger to draw from. Its called Logic. Offensive (and some defensive) stats equal points. Leagues have individual scoring but most have a basic structure I will show you now so you dont ask a friggin million questions on draft day. They are usually broken into a few categories.

Passing- usually between 20-30 yards/point. Oh crap there is math? yeah you wonder why we love asian chicks. They are submissive and can calculate stats on the fly. Its like having an up to the minute Stat tracker with a slanted vagina. QB Touchdowns are either 4 or 6 points when thrown, so be aware of what your league's value is. Interceptions are sometimes negative points, so efficiency counts. If your league counts for completions or other stuff good luck. Just draft Peyton Manning.

Rushing- Rushing Yards are usually 10 yards/point. Just divide by ten. Its the calculator button with a dash and dots above and below. Like a penis turned 90 degrees. Rushing TDs are usually 6 points

Receiving- Usually the same as rushing, 10 yards/point, 6pts receiving. Catches count sometimes. This is called Points Per Reception (PPR) and if it is counted is usually 1 or less. It counts for all positions, and usually values pass catching rbs and receivers who play every down. It makes a difference so be aware what your league uses.

Return Yards- Some leagues count return yards. Unless its under 25 yards/point dont worry about it. It might make 1 receiver a little better if they return kicks/punts. Not a big deal.

Bonuses- Usually at 100 yards receiving or rushing, and 300 yards passing, people can get a small bonus. About 1-4 points. this is because they denote an impressive day and reward great performances. You get a bonus when you perform well, and its called keeping you around.

3. Tools. Men use tools. Its what separates us from the apes and you broads.

Pen and Pencil- Write stuff down as you go about your life day dreaming of who you would rather marry, fuck, kill of the Jonas brothers.

Marker- Cross off guys as they are drafted on your list. Otherwise the computer does it for you. Its like Magic! ...More like years of men working to forward technology and launch rockets to the MOON!

Laptop- at least 2 internet sites to cross reference Rankings. Look at the top 200 players to start. Print it out from each site. Start a folder. Resist the urge to draw hearts with you and your bf's initials on it. It makes you look like a really good researcher when you flip through different lists while you decide on draft day, when in reality you are just looking for a funny name to say and wishing there was pictures of their butts next to their names instead of stats.

If you are a Smart Chick, create a spread sheet of the Average Draft Position/Ranking of the lists. *If you are a smart chick you probably don't have a bf, you have a career and don't have time for fantasy football. Don't take for gospel any individual site. They are just jerks like me trying to make money writing internet bullshit between Porn and Starcraft Sessions.

4. Transactions-The most prep occurs before the Draft. Rankings for the draft are based on last season's performance, and speculation of the upcoming year. Use ADP and rankings to select a good team. A nerdy yet effective tool is a "Mock Draft" which allows you to do a pretend live draft with other nerds to see where guys are being drafted, and can help develop ADP and trends for players. The Draft can occur in usually one of 2 ways.

Snake Draft- With ten teams, 1 goes first and ten goes last in round 1, then it snakes around from 10 back to one and repeats. Its like a series of u-turns linked together to "snake from lowest to highest and back. You don't actually select types of snakes. Trouser would be your first pick I bet.

Auction Draft- Terrible for girls because you are spending money, even if it is pretend. You "bid" on players and if you win he is on your team. You have a set amount of money and cannot spend less than 1 dollar on any player. If you start with 200 dollars with 16 players means you can pay at most 185 (200 minus 185) for any one player. Rankings are available online just like "snake" position numbers. The benefit is rather than having a crappy pick and not being able to get a guy you like, just bid higher if you want a guy. Everybody has a price. That is a quote by Million Dollar Man Ted DeBiasi. Pro Wrestling. If you watch wrestling, play fantasy football, and enjoy giving head immediately respond to this blog with our future wedding date. I'll be free.

After the Actual Draft you can pick up players on Waivers from Free Agency. Waivers means you have to allow other people to pick them up in order of their waiver claim. It will show it on your screen. 1 is best and you are guaranteed to get that guy, 2 or less means you have to hope no one else with a better "claim" wants him. Have back up ideas if he gets chosen. Typically the worst team gets first waiver claim. and it might reset weekly or when someone is picked up.

5. Money. Fantasy football is just long term gambling and bragging rights. It will cost you money that you are likely to lose. At least you didn't spend it on a ticket to a crappy sappy movie you just HAD to see in the theater despite the fact that everyone ELSE was going to the blockbuster across the hall that night. Just get me the pretzels with cheese sauce.

If you seriously need more info that this either Google "Fantasy Football for brain dead morons" or ask someone. Like blowjobs, the best way to learn is practice, practice, practice.

If you win your league or get a laugh at my desperate attempt at humor and misogyny post a comment and follow the blog.

Peace.

Jimi

It's a Jimi Thing

For most Suburbanites (I conducted a survey), the summer is a welcome escape to sandy beaches, refreshing lake sides, or tropical getaways. For others who wisely planned 3 months ahead (or avid Stubhubbers) its concert season! Typically I am the latter, spending a little extra near showtime to ensure I have off of work and a clear social calender for the Summer Concert Series. This year, I was The Man. I secured 2 consecutive Shitifield (actually its quite nice, but Im a Yanks fan) Dave Matthews Band Tickets/Zac Brown Band (rising stars) months ago. I confirmed and reconfirmed with the guy, a personal seller, I had met at a BBQ. Jake "Not the Snake" I thank you again. I got the tickets a few nights before, and made sure the stage was set. Although I have been to over 20 DMB shows(thats D, as in Did anyone get tickets to the Dave Matthews Show? M, as in My! What a wonderful concert put on by the Dave Matthews Band. B, as in Boy oh Boy what a Blast at that Dave Matthews Concert) this was a labor of Love. My girlfriend is a die-hard Dave Matthews fan, and it was my mission now that we both work in NYC to have floor tickets for the 2 shows. Bam. I Did It! (I told you, I told you I did). So once the actual hassle of such insignificant details like tickets was resolved, I focused my attention on MY favorite summer pastime...Tailgating.

I find there are several key elements to a good tailgate.

1. Location. Gotta be close but not too close where there are cops swarming. Not too far that its takes you an hour to get to the venue or out of the parking lot (unless you just hang out till they kick you out, WHICH I DO!) Gotta find the "good parking lot" where there are games, open spaces to park with friends, and supportive fellow tail-gaters. I have been outside of the NYC Metr

o area, and in more spacious areas, it is easier to accommodate these needs. However in the Urban jungle, tailgating takes some skill. Parking Tip: The Tailgate Triangle- When parking with 2 other friends in other cars, the first car performs a "pull thru" so the nose of the car can get out easily. The other two do the same, but on either side of the first in an opposite direction. (Do I have to draw a diagram? 2 one way, one middle the other way. get it? Good.) Then place your chairs behind the Middle Car (hopefully the "music car". (Bring jumper cables, the music car usually burns out about the time you want to go into the show and you have to wait for him to run it for a half hour to charge the battery.

2. Food. Are you a Griller? Cold Sandwich guy? Cheese and Crackers Pussy? These are important things to be considered when planning a tailgate. I don't discriminate as long as its not fast food or health food. Put some Soul in ok, will ya?

3. Drinks? Where do I begin. Always try to get 2 things. Beer and. Wine and. Premixed Panty dropper Mix and. If you are traveling as a group, special orders are bull shit. Get Beer and a mutual bottle of alcohol for shots or mixed drinks. Something that mixes with juice or Lemonade (dont forget the lemonade). No one is ever satisfied if you take specialty orders, unless someone has a special drink they make, like Bloody Mary Guy (he might as well just drink Horseradish), or Pre-Mixed vodka-cran girl (UTI girl who recently had sex in a hot tub). 2010 summer "drink": Liquor soaked Gummies. Gummy Bears, Sharks, Planes, Train, Automobiles. Get a gladware and fill it with your fav gummies and let soak for about 4-6 hours. Any more they may start to disintegrate (cool!). Flavored vodka is great for this, and cheap stuff is fine. After the soak, drain the alcohol off quickly and fill the gladware with juice. Challenge a friend to drink the run-off. Tell him its "Rock and Roll." The juice will cut the alcohol flavor a lot. Serve with toothpicks. Fun things to try: Rum with gummy coke bottles, Sour Peach rings with Peach Schnapps, Swedish fish with anything. These are a fun alternative to Jell-O shots (sooooo 2003!) If you are a true drunk, walk the container up to the gate of the concert and eat all the gummies at once and chug the juice. Ditch the container and get your ticket ripped before you plunge into an alcohol and sugar fueled rage that pushes you to the front of the Standing Room only section.

4. (Wait, we're still counting?) Games. Cornhole, Quoits. Bag-o. Can jam. Frisbee. Football. Watch the drunk chick try to Pee. All great games. Some games like TurtleMaster (bet your sweet ass), Drink while you Think, and Movie Pong, can optimize drinking time while decreasing the need to move anything but the cup to your lips. Fun Concert Game: "Setlist Selector." *This only works if you are seeing a band that has been around for more than 2 albums or a few years*. You and your other friends select 5 songs each you speculate they will play. Pick one at a time in a circle, previous winner goes first or Rochambeux (with groin kick) for it. Make a bet on it- lunch the next day, shotgun, sister's anal virginity, etc, and the most songs wins. Tie breaker is an Old School WWF "Test of Strength" So be prepared and make sure the audience as behind you. As for getting up close in the Pit...I cant give away all my secrets, and its more fun to invent your own. Eat, Drink, and Be Merry! Its just a Jimi Thing.

Jimi Tsunami aka The Big Kahuna

Summer. The Jersey Shore. Spare me the Guidos 'n' Speedos, there is a plethora (si el Guapo, a plethora) of great food spots and great Watering Holes. I'm not much for strutting my stuff on the beach...I tend to find sand in crevices I never previously knew existed. So I spent my evening taking on a "Belmar Behemoth" at local taco joint Surf Taco. Surf Taco is made famous by its beach locations and battered cod (not domestic abuse) fish tacos, and I love me a fish taco (both kinds). They feature a food challenge known as the "Tsunami Burrito". Its about 30 inches long (thats what she said) and covered with Guac, Sour Cream, and Pico de Gallo. Pico De GA-YO! To win the Tsunami challenge you have to finish the thing in 15 mins or less and you get your picture on the wall. Oh the things I do for local recognition...
Of course I was 'encouraged' by my girlfriend/manager/muse, who paid for it and said I would have to pay her back if I didn't finish in the time because "she doesn't date losers". When they delivered the log of burrito to my table I was expecting a vote of confidence from the waitress, who instead callously said "Clock Starts Now". I was awaiting a Billy Madisonesque follow up of "I know you'ze kids like 'em sloppy!"
After a quick swig of Dr. Pepper, I dig in. slicing and eating like a normal human being. I get some quick cheers from a group of 20 somethings drinking beer at the table across. Thanks for the quick Man vs. food moment. I think I am going at a decent pace when "future lunch lady"...lets call her Ethel...comes back and barks "ten minutes". Sounds like i'm in detention--And not the good naughty kind you can find on the internet. I start sawing off larger chunks, shoveling it down as the rice and beans fall to the wayside like shell casings from a 50-cal machine gun (ok, maybe a little less dramatic than that). I just start my meat sweats when Ethel passes by with another order and gurgles "5" at me. I start chowing my last few bits and cleaning up the shrapnel with the chips. I check my phone and see 2 minutes to spare as I finish my plate and lean back, beaming with victory. Ethel comes back and snaps my photo, a 3"x3" badge of honor to be pinned among the other champions of chomp. Although my only remnant of this Tsunami my be a wave of toilet water tomorrow morning, in the eyes of my audience that day I was the Big Kahuna for a night.