It's a Jimi Thing

For most Suburbanites (I conducted a survey), the summer is a welcome escape to sandy beaches, refreshing lake sides, or tropical getaways. For others who wisely planned 3 months ahead (or avid Stubhubbers) its concert season! Typically I am the latter, spending a little extra near showtime to ensure I have off of work and a clear social calender for the Summer Concert Series. This year, I was The Man. I secured 2 consecutive Shitifield (actually its quite nice, but Im a Yanks fan) Dave Matthews Band Tickets/Zac Brown Band (rising stars) months ago. I confirmed and reconfirmed with the guy, a personal seller, I had met at a BBQ. Jake "Not the Snake" I thank you again. I got the tickets a few nights before, and made sure the stage was set. Although I have been to over 20 DMB shows(thats D, as in Did anyone get tickets to the Dave Matthews Show? M, as in My! What a wonderful concert put on by the Dave Matthews Band. B, as in Boy oh Boy what a Blast at that Dave Matthews Concert) this was a labor of Love. My girlfriend is a die-hard Dave Matthews fan, and it was my mission now that we both work in NYC to have floor tickets for the 2 shows. Bam. I Did It! (I told you, I told you I did). So once the actual hassle of such insignificant details like tickets was resolved, I focused my attention on MY favorite summer pastime...Tailgating.

I find there are several key elements to a good tailgate.

1. Location. Gotta be close but not too close where there are cops swarming. Not too far that its takes you an hour to get to the venue or out of the parking lot (unless you just hang out till they kick you out, WHICH I DO!) Gotta find the "good parking lot" where there are games, open spaces to park with friends, and supportive fellow tail-gaters. I have been outside of the NYC Metr

o area, and in more spacious areas, it is easier to accommodate these needs. However in the Urban jungle, tailgating takes some skill. Parking Tip: The Tailgate Triangle- When parking with 2 other friends in other cars, the first car performs a "pull thru" so the nose of the car can get out easily. The other two do the same, but on either side of the first in an opposite direction. (Do I have to draw a diagram? 2 one way, one middle the other way. get it? Good.) Then place your chairs behind the Middle Car (hopefully the "music car". (Bring jumper cables, the music car usually burns out about the time you want to go into the show and you have to wait for him to run it for a half hour to charge the battery.

2. Food. Are you a Griller? Cold Sandwich guy? Cheese and Crackers Pussy? These are important things to be considered when planning a tailgate. I don't discriminate as long as its not fast food or health food. Put some Soul in ok, will ya?

3. Drinks? Where do I begin. Always try to get 2 things. Beer and. Wine and. Premixed Panty dropper Mix and. If you are traveling as a group, special orders are bull shit. Get Beer and a mutual bottle of alcohol for shots or mixed drinks. Something that mixes with juice or Lemonade (dont forget the lemonade). No one is ever satisfied if you take specialty orders, unless someone has a special drink they make, like Bloody Mary Guy (he might as well just drink Horseradish), or Pre-Mixed vodka-cran girl (UTI girl who recently had sex in a hot tub). 2010 summer "drink": Liquor soaked Gummies. Gummy Bears, Sharks, Planes, Train, Automobiles. Get a gladware and fill it with your fav gummies and let soak for about 4-6 hours. Any more they may start to disintegrate (cool!). Flavored vodka is great for this, and cheap stuff is fine. After the soak, drain the alcohol off quickly and fill the gladware with juice. Challenge a friend to drink the run-off. Tell him its "Rock and Roll." The juice will cut the alcohol flavor a lot. Serve with toothpicks. Fun things to try: Rum with gummy coke bottles, Sour Peach rings with Peach Schnapps, Swedish fish with anything. These are a fun alternative to Jell-O shots (sooooo 2003!) If you are a true drunk, walk the container up to the gate of the concert and eat all the gummies at once and chug the juice. Ditch the container and get your ticket ripped before you plunge into an alcohol and sugar fueled rage that pushes you to the front of the Standing Room only section.

4. (Wait, we're still counting?) Games. Cornhole, Quoits. Bag-o. Can jam. Frisbee. Football. Watch the drunk chick try to Pee. All great games. Some games like TurtleMaster (bet your sweet ass), Drink while you Think, and Movie Pong, can optimize drinking time while decreasing the need to move anything but the cup to your lips. Fun Concert Game: "Setlist Selector." *This only works if you are seeing a band that has been around for more than 2 albums or a few years*. You and your other friends select 5 songs each you speculate they will play. Pick one at a time in a circle, previous winner goes first or Rochambeux (with groin kick) for it. Make a bet on it- lunch the next day, shotgun, sister's anal virginity, etc, and the most songs wins. Tie breaker is an Old School WWF "Test of Strength" So be prepared and make sure the audience as behind you. As for getting up close in the Pit...I cant give away all my secrets, and its more fun to invent your own. Eat, Drink, and Be Merry! Its just a Jimi Thing.

Jimi Tsunami aka The Big Kahuna

Summer. The Jersey Shore. Spare me the Guidos 'n' Speedos, there is a plethora (si el Guapo, a plethora) of great food spots and great Watering Holes. I'm not much for strutting my stuff on the beach...I tend to find sand in crevices I never previously knew existed. So I spent my evening taking on a "Belmar Behemoth" at local taco joint Surf Taco. Surf Taco is made famous by its beach locations and battered cod (not domestic abuse) fish tacos, and I love me a fish taco (both kinds). They feature a food challenge known as the "Tsunami Burrito". Its about 30 inches long (thats what she said) and covered with Guac, Sour Cream, and Pico de Gallo. Pico De GA-YO! To win the Tsunami challenge you have to finish the thing in 15 mins or less and you get your picture on the wall. Oh the things I do for local recognition...
Of course I was 'encouraged' by my girlfriend/manager/muse, who paid for it and said I would have to pay her back if I didn't finish in the time because "she doesn't date losers". When they delivered the log of burrito to my table I was expecting a vote of confidence from the waitress, who instead callously said "Clock Starts Now". I was awaiting a Billy Madisonesque follow up of "I know you'ze kids like 'em sloppy!"
After a quick swig of Dr. Pepper, I dig in. slicing and eating like a normal human being. I get some quick cheers from a group of 20 somethings drinking beer at the table across. Thanks for the quick Man vs. food moment. I think I am going at a decent pace when "future lunch lady"...lets call her Ethel...comes back and barks "ten minutes". Sounds like i'm in detention--And not the good naughty kind you can find on the internet. I start sawing off larger chunks, shoveling it down as the rice and beans fall to the wayside like shell casings from a 50-cal machine gun (ok, maybe a little less dramatic than that). I just start my meat sweats when Ethel passes by with another order and gurgles "5" at me. I start chowing my last few bits and cleaning up the shrapnel with the chips. I check my phone and see 2 minutes to spare as I finish my plate and lean back, beaming with victory. Ethel comes back and snaps my photo, a 3"x3" badge of honor to be pinned among the other champions of chomp. Although my only remnant of this Tsunami my be a wave of toilet water tomorrow morning, in the eyes of my audience that day I was the Big Kahuna for a night.